u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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