For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
