I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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