That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
