my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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