She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
