I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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