im drinking this country out of the recession.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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