Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My vagina is officially offended.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
