Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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