mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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