remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
