I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
