We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
