then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
