I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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