So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When did angry sex become our thing?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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