the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
