from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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