How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
