Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
