I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
