I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
