I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
