he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
