dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
