I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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