The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
