I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
