So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
