Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
