i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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