I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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