I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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