Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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