I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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