I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I think I just sharted jello shots
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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