She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
