Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Soap is not a condiment
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
