If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
40s are totally the cure
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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