But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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