do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
