everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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