Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
