im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
