listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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