You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
