if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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