I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
