how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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